For Girls Eyes Only
This one's for Sara:
This has been a terrible week. For some reason this week I feel like postpartum hit me. I'm not sure why it waited until month four, but it's here. Actually I am sure why it happened, nobody told me the BCP (you girls know what I mean) you take when you are nursing don't have sugar pills that last week so I basically skipped an entire week of my BC. Yup, Dr. Bannister, if you are reading this you're in big trouble. :)
I'm off work for a month and have every reason to be happy and enjoying my time with Nora. However, she just started getting distracted realizing there is a world around her and it's been really difficult to feed her, which stresses me out because I really want this breastfeeding to work as long as it can.
There's something about being a mom that causes you such guilt every single minute of every day. Did I feed her enough? Did I wait too long to change her diaper? Is she too cold? Is she getting enough milk from me? It really may be because I'm a first time mom and paranoid about everything, but I've heard other moms say that they have felt the same way after child #3. I want to stop worrying and just enjoy every minute. I'm a good mom. I'm doing the right thing. I make mistakes. For example, today I took a chunk out of her finger when I was clipping her nails. I didn't even know it until I saw blood on my shirt, so apparantly I have a baby with high pain tolerance.
Secondly, I feel like I have three children because my dogs have been extra needy. If you don't have a dog then skip this part because it will sound ultra crazy to you. My dogs were my kids before Nora and they have been completely neglected lately. I feel extremely guilty about that, but as my friend says, you give them a comfortable home and food and water right now. That's all they need. Fleas have been terrible in Memphis this year because we didn't have much of a winter so we've been constantly calling the bug man to come spray our yard and working extra hard to keep the fleas off our dogs. ( which is no easy task when your dog weighs 105 lbs and 50 lbs). I'm completely overwhelmed with that on top of being a new mom
I feel guilty because one of my closest friends can't have a baby and here I am with one and getting frustrated at times. I feel like I should enjoy every minute, which I do enjoy most every minute, just not this week. I'm not tired of taking care of her, I don't feel like I need a break, it's just getting much harder than it was. She fights sleep, fights eating, cries more often, etc. I know there are moms out there who have felt like this and that brings me peace that I'm not alone. I debated on writing this all week because there are people who read my blog that I'd prefer not know things like skipping a week on BCP. But as my friend Sara said, people act like they have the perfect life with the perfect kids on their blogs and that's not real. These blogs are meant for two things in my life 1. a way to keep up with my children and a record of their development for later down the road and 2. support from the people who love me the most when I need it the most.
Things are slowly getting better. They can only go up from here. I've got my "surprise for my birthday" tonight so I'm sure I'll feel better later....except that Nora's with a babysitter so it gives me another thing to obsess about. Is she crying? Is the sleeping okay? Does she know I'm not there? :) :) :)
11 comments:
I just want you to know that everything you are feeling is completely normal, at least in my experience of motherhood. The guilt is undeniable. No matter what choice you make, you feel guilty! And, babies are difficult! Breastfeeding is difficult. But, you are right, you are an excellent mom to Nora, and a great person and Christian. Don't feel guilty that you despair, just remember that God loves you and thinks you are a great mom! So does Nora, and Kevin! Postpartum is difficult. I didn't start feeling like myself until Molly was 9 mos old. It is good you have the courage to write about this; so many moms don't know or expect the difficult times. just remember, though, you are a great mom who considers her daugther in every choice she makes.
Jodi said it perfectly. You are a great mom and yes, we all make mistakes. I did the nail clipping thing too, but mine screamed for about 15 minutes. I am dealing with the breastfeeding thing right now. She is SO distracted and it is taking forever to feed her. Hang in there...maybe exercise more, take vitamins, and ....what else did Tom Cruise say to do? HUM...just kidding. I will be praying for you. Have fun at your party!
I was starting to think you were a little abnormal how you just jumped into motherhood with no depression or baby blues, etc. Now, I know that you are just like the rest of us. It only gets better...
And...I can't wait to hear about your birthday party!
Ang, thanks for being real. I think the greatest disservice we provide to each other as moms is putting on masks and pretending everything's great. Parenting (on top of life in general)is hard, and there will always be highs and lows, but moms often feel like everyone else seems to have it together, so they don't want to talk about it and seem weird. And NOBODY wants to be judged as a bad parent.
You and Kevin love Nora with all of your hearts and you want to do the best by her. She won't ever remember you hacked her finger (except when she reads your blog:)), but she will remember the love she has and will always receive at home.
Keep talking about all you are feeling...it helps to keep things in perspective and to receive encouragement. There isn't a mom out there who hasn't experienced a form of what you are feeling right now.
lovin' ya!
Angie, I think you and Tammie are the BEST moms! Not that I'm surprised, but you are so sweet and caring and always think about Nora--how cold or hot she is, how comfortable her clothes are etc. I'm just really glad you, Tammie and Randy are still alive!! AND you have Kevin's help. Just learn to accept more help, that will keep your sanity. This is normal, Nora's normal and you WILL survive. I love you. Mom
Whatever, Mom. Put that nice stuff on my blog, too.
:)
Oh girlfriend. I think your feelings are exactly what moms feel; different ways, different intensities. I remember when I tried having my second child it took 4 yrs. I was so thrilled throughout my whole pregnancy for the new arrival. About two weeks after I had Samantha, I began to have these same feelings. This was such a wonderful time for me, something I wanted for so long. I was so confused. On top of that add in my sleep deprivation, the fact that I felt like I was in someone else's body, and I was having a hard time breastfeeding. OM! I did what you are doing - talking about it, and it helped so much. Once I realized that this must be natural - a clarity came over me. You might feel vulnerable talking about it, but don't! Try not to get overwhelmed. You know Nora better than anyone else. You are the best and most perfect mother for Nora. Thank you for being real with your feelings.
Mel
Thanks girl. I mean not for having an equally stressful life but for being real and letting me be real. The guilt thing gets to me too. And, unfortunately, it doesn't get any better. Did I spank her too much? Did I not spank her enough? I don't give her enough vegetables. My son is on the path to Huntsville because I just turn my back on his behavior too many times. And then there's the guilt about being able to have children and then griping about it. But the reality is that this is the best gift you've ever been given (besides grace) but it comes with a lot of crappy things. That's life. Thanks again for your honesty and hang in there.
Angie-Reading your blog makes me feel like you are inside my mind! I echo your feelings about the baby, the postpartum, the dogs, breastfeeding, all of it. Nobody ever mentions on their blog that they have totally lost control of their life and that being a parent is for crazy people. You can drop by anytime at my house and I am sure the emotions and insanity you will witness will make you feel better. I mean, I think I have become a crazy person. I used to be so even keel and I get so stresed out not and my language has gone to POT. Ask Charles how many times I have dropped the F bomb alone in the last month. Ridiculous.
julie you crack me up but i'm too depressed to laugh. kidding. :)
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